


Love Is The Definition of Insanity

by demoka



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Crack, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 23:28:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5645719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demoka/pseuds/demoka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma believes in Regina. Even when she really is the culprit this time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Is The Definition of Insanity

Regina tried not to be too obvious with her disdainful look at the current state of Emma’s boots. They were covered in mud. Trust a Charming child to purposefully step (or stomp) in mud puddles after the rain had fallen. Emma was late. Again. Late again despite Regina’s reminder the night before that they had agreed to meet at the Sheriff’s office at precisely 10am to discuss Henry’s current schooling situation and how there was a potential for accusations of favouritism since his teacher was still his own grandmother.

‘Here Emma, you can have this. After that awful cereal you have him hooked on, Henry has had enough sugar for today, and I am not that partial to bearclaws,’ said Regina, offering up the tasty treat to her son’s other mother. ‘Fancy passing by Granny’s at the exact moment she was giving this away as a lucky door prize.’

Emma’s eyes gleamed in response, taking in the massive pastry that was covered in slivered almonds, and dotted with raisins. The sheen from the drizzling of icing on top made her mouth water in anticipation. 

‘That sure is lucky Regina! Are you sure you don’t want it?’ asked Emma, a bit of sincerity in her voice because she didn’t think Regina should be depriving herself of such delights in life, but not that sincere, because heck, she sure wanted it if Regina was insisting.

‘Of course, dear. You have it, I insist,’ replied Regina. 

Emma grinned at her. 

‘Thanks Regina! Eurgh, I’m so hungry, this is just what the doctor ordered. I could totally marry you right now!’ 

What luck! A tasty treat from the sexy Madame Mayor! She grinned harder when she realised that Regina was smiling at her too (yet completely oblivious to the vein twitching in Regina’s temple). In fact Regina’s grin seemed to widen with each big mouthful of pastry so crisp, the almond paste so sweet, and the…..

‘About time,’ murmured Regina as Emma slumped to the floor. 

She bent over to pat Emma’s cheek, and then straightened up again, satisfied with the result. 

‘Hmm!’ she exclaimed as she flounced off to savour her victory over her nemesis, leaving Emma’s mostly corpse in the corridor of the Sheriff’s station.

\--- 

‘Emma, dear, where are… by the gods! EMMA!’ shrieked Snow, falling to her knees at the sight of Emma sprawled on her back. 

She crawled over to her child, not caring that her knees were now filthy with all the muck Emma had tracked in earlier. She threw her head down on to Emma’s chest.

‘Who did this to you?’ cried Snow. 

Emma snortled, her chest inched up just enough for Snow to realise that she was still alive. 

‘Oh, thank goodness!’ exclaimed Snow. ‘Emma, why are you on the floor? Are you alright?’ 

She shook Emma’s shoulders. ‘Wake up!’ 

When that didn’t work she quickly kissed Emma on the cheek, tears streaming down her eyes. ‘Please wake up, my darling.’ 

And her darling did wake up, after the both of them were blasted with air and lights dazzled around them. 

‘Huh? What happened?’ asked Emma groggily. 

‘What do you remember?’ asked Snow, cradling Emma’s face close her as she helped her daughter sit up right. ‘Tell Mommy everything!’ 

‘I was talking with Regina… She was so nice, she gave me a bearclaw that she won from Granny’s! It was so tasty… But… I don’t remember anything else after that… Huh. Someone must have cursed me to sleep and made me lose my memories afterwards. But, why? What don’t they want me to know??’ 

‘Regina must have poisoned you! I knew her turning good was too good to be true!’ exclaimed Snow. ‘That witch! I’ll have her head for this!’ 

‘Woah! Calm down, Mom. Regina wouldn’t do this. I know her. She’s one of us now,’ said Emma. 

Snow raised one single brow.

‘If it makes you feel any better, we’ll go ask her about it now. Don’t worry, I’ll know if she’s lying. I always know. You know, my superpower.’ 

Snow bit her bottom lip, not wanting to remind her daughter that she was the Product of True Love, and not a superhero. She followed her daughter into the police cruiser to make their way to the Mayor’s office. 

\---

‘Hey Regina, you busy?’ 

Regina stopped writing, closing her eyes for a moment, and then looked up with her politician’s smile. 

‘Miss Swan. Snow White. What a pleasure. I suppose you did remember to check with my secretary this time around?’ 

Emma smiled at Regina, ‘Nah. Why take that extra step when we’re friends? I can always just ask you.’

‘Indeed,’ was the curt reply. 

Regina’s mounting agitation was clear to Snow, but apparently was not fazing Emma at all. 

‘Secretaries ALWAYS say that their bosses are busy anyways. I know that trick,’ continued Emma. 

‘Emma, Regina’s probably having a busy day, so maybe we should just….’ 

‘Oh yeah, Regina, just wanted to know, did you drug me with a sleeping curse?’ 

Regina kept a poker face despite Emma’s jovial tone and expression. 

‘No dear. I would never do that to you. I’m sorry to hear that you were placed under a curse, it must have happened after I left the station.’

‘I figured as much, but Mom wanted me to double check,’ replied Emma before turning to regard her mother. ‘See? Told ya. Regina wouldn’t hurt me.’

However, over Emma’s shoulder, Snow could see a very familiar smirk on Regina’s face. She would have to be more careful. Just because Emma was oblivious to Regina’s machinations, it didn’t mean Snow had to cease being vigilant. The why bothered Snow. She just could not figure out why Regina had drugged her daughter. They were on relatively good terms now, sharing Henry and caring duties related to him. Perhaps all was not as well as they had all hoped. 

‘Hey Regina, when you’re finished with work, want to go out for burgers?’ 

‘No Miss Swan,’ came the terse reply. ‘I do not wish to eat burgers after work.’ 

\--- 

A few days passed by without drama until an afternoon when Ruby rushed into the Sheriff’s station, ‘David! Come quick! Emma won’t wake up! She’s lying on a bench in the park!’ 

‘Emma!’ yelled David, although she wouldn’t be able to hear from such a distance. ‘Daddy’s coming!’ 

Despite the drool, and despite the bird droppings in her hair, David quickly bent over to kiss his daughter’s cheek. Lights flashed and a great wind ruffled Ruby’s fur (she had transformed in order to give David a ride because it was quicker). 

‘Huh? Dad? Ruby? What are you two doing here?’ 

‘You were passed out on the park bench!’ exclaimed David, moving to sit her up slowly, cuddling Emma close. 

Ruby’s wolfie form gave way to her human body. 

‘Do you remember anything?’ asked Ruby, pulling out a comb to brush out the various bits of debris from Emma’s hair. 

Emma frowned, ‘No. Not really… All I remember is I was walking with Regina down by the docks.’

She paused, trying to remember the topic of discussion. 

‘We were discussing our favourite meals,’ advised Emma, a smile blooming on her features. ‘I invited her to have pies with me tomorrow, but she said she’s allergic to subpar gravy or something…’ 

‘Regina. I knew it!’ exclaimed Charming, whipping out his mobile. ‘I’ve got to tell Snow. She said that she suspected Regina was up to something. And now we have proof! She means you harm, Emma.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous! Regina’s part of the light brigade now,’ said Emma. 

Ruby placed a placating hand on Charming’s shoulder, ‘Let’s just give her the benefit of the doubt okay? For Emma’s sake.’ 

Charming’s brows were so furrowed that Ruby was almost concerned that he was in fact in dire need of a toilet break. 

‘Mm, okay. You’re right. I trust Emma and if she says Regina is on our side, then she’s on our side.’ 

Ruby smiled at him, and then she turned to Emma, ‘Are you sure you’re okay though, Em? No bumps to the head or anything? We’ll have to keep a closer eye on you, don’t want you getting cursed again.’ 

‘I’m telling you I wasn’t cursed!’ 

Ruby raised her hands, ‘Hey, I’m not saying it’s Regina, but someone is cursing you. I’m as sure as the bright white light that bursts forth whenever your parents kiss you and you wake up immediately. You were cursed.’ 

‘Well, I know who isn’t doing the cursing. And I’m not getting cursed. I’m napping! Haven’t you ever napped in the park?’ demanded Emma. 

\---

‘Miss Swan, while I fully appreciate you treating me to lunch, believe it or not, I do not appreciate you ordering for me, especially since you ordered grilled cheese with extra cheese! In future, ensure that you wait for me to arrive so that I may order my own meal!’ 

Emma looked dejected, ‘I’m sorry Regina. I won’t do that again.’ 

An awkward silence fell over the both of them. Regina felt slightly regretful for the rant while Emma just felt bad for ruining their lunch before it had even started. 

‘I can go get a super healthy green smoothie for you as an apology?’ asked Emma. 

‘Go ahead, Miss Swan, you may.’

While Emma was at the counter ordering, Regina trickled a few drops of a certain potion on to Emma’s grilled cheese. With that done she turned to her own greasy cheesy delight and took a bite. She took another, both hating and loving the taste and texture. 

She had finished off one half by the time Emma returned. 

‘I’m afraid that I must rush off, Miss Swan. Duty calls.’ 

‘But, you’ve only finished half your grilled cheese and the smoothie isn’t in a to-go cup,’ protested Emma. 

Regina snapped her fingers, the smoothie disappeared from Emma’s hand and reappeared in her hand, housed in a to-go cup and her leftover sandwich had relocated to on top of Emma’s own sandwich. 

‘There, problem solved,’ said Regina, turning to leave. 

Emma grabbed her sandwich and wrapped it in a few napkins, ‘Wait, I’ll walk you out.’

Regina rolled her eyes at Emma, settling into step beside her, ‘Really Miss Swan, I am perfectly capable of walking back to my office by myself. Why don’t you go back to the diner to sit down to eat?’

‘Food always tastes better in good company,’ replied Emma, taking a bite of her sandwich. 

Regina waited a few seconds before she turned to find Emma slumped against the wall next to the window of Any Given Sundae’s shopfront. There were a few customers in there and Ingrid was currently carving out some scoops, so Emma wouldn’t be discovered for a few minutes. The street was currently clear too. 

Regina made off with a clean getaway. 

\---

‘Emma! By the gods!’ gasped Ingrid, as she pushed past her patrons flocking like vultures around Emma. 

Ingrid kneeled down beside Emma, fearing the worst. However, at the last family dinner, Snow and David had discussed these occurrences with her, and had advised that their kisses of True Love had revived their daughter.

‘We are closed now, so if you could all please leave the premises, I would greatly appreciate it. As you can see, I have a family matter to deal with,’ said Ingrid, quiet and polite, yet the threat was evident in her voice. 

The citizens of Storybrooke currently licking her wonderful icy treats made haste to get out of her sight. 

Ingrid caressed Emma’s face before whispering, ‘I hope this works. I do love you my sweet girl.’

She bent her head and kissed Emma’s cheek. 

She blinked at the light radiating from Emma. Tears forming as Emma gasped and awoke.

‘Ingrid?’ said Emma. ‘Mamma, why are you crying?’ 

‘Oh, never mind me my darling. I’m just so relieved that you’re okay. Even though Snow White and David had told me what I needed to do, I feared that my kiss would not be enough, that you didn’t love me back so I wouldn’t be able to revive you. Oh Emma, please don’t frighten me like that ever again. Please be more careful and don’t accept any more food from Regina.’ 

‘Oh Mamma. It wasn’t Regina, we had lunch from Granny’s. I’m sorry I scared you, but really, I was just sleeping,’ explained Emma, cuddling Ingrid close to her. 

‘If that is the case, I really hope that you will consider hiring another deputy. I can’t stand the thought of you overworking yourself.’ 

\--- 

 

‘Ma, I feel like you and Mom should sit down and have a proper talk.’

‘About what, Henry?’

‘Stuff! Things that had been happening lately, you know… With you falling asleep a lot? I think that maybe…’ 

‘Oh no, not you too! YOUR MOM is NOT the cause of my napping! I just need to go to bed earlier!’ exclaimed Emma, rolling her eyes at all the adults in her life (except for Regina of course!) corrupting the mind of her kid. ‘Being the Sheriff of this town is not easy you know? There’s like an apocalypse about to occur every second day. It’s like we’re living in Sunnydale!’

‘Okay! I was just worried, and I know how Mom can get. She doesn’t always speak her mind when it comes to you,’ said Henry, before leaving Emma alone to her thoughts. ‘Just think about it. I care about the both of you and I want you both to be happy.’ 

\---

‘Regina?’ 

‘What is it Miss Swan? If it is not urgent, I would like for you to leave as I am quite busy.’ 

Emma stayed in the doorway of Regina’s kitchen, watching the Mayor chopping onions. 

‘Our family has been pointing out to me that you’ve been acting out towards me. I just wanted to know what I’ve done wrong.’

When Regina didn’t turn around, Emma placed a hand gently on her shoulder. 

‘I’ve hurt you, haven’t I? Come on, if you don’t tell me, I won’t ever stop hurting you.’ 

‘It’s nothing,’ was the reply, but Regina’s shoulders had hunched up and the chopping had ceased. 

‘Regina…’

Emma was about to hug Regina, but was whapped in the face by Regina’s hair as Regina spun about on the spot, brandishing her very sharp knife. Emma fall back on her ass, and scrambled back a few steps. 

‘You’ve never asked me out on a date! You’re always implying that you’d be interested in being in a relationship with me, but you never ask me out! I’m the kind of girl who likes to be wooed, you know!’ sobbed Regina, tears down her face, still brandishing the knife. 

‘But I did ask you out!’ exclaimed Emma, getting up slowly. 

‘When?!’ 

‘Plenty of times! Like the other day, at your office, I asked you out for burgers.’

‘In front of your mother! In a very casual tone! Is a little bit of wining and dining too much to ask for!? Burgers at Granny’s is not acceptable first date material!’ 

Emma pressed her back against the doorframe at the increased speed of the knife slashing through the air, palms. 

‘Woah, Regina, please, put down the knife. I’m sorry! Give me another chance.’

‘Give me one good reason, Miss Swan!’ 

‘Because…. I’m going to take you out on a picnic date? Where I’m going to make sure all the food is tasty but you don’t need to do a thing except bring your beautiful self?’ 

Regina placed the knife on the kitchen bench much to Emma’s relief. Emma offered a small smile. Regina closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. As she exhaled, Emma steeled herself for rejection. 

‘I find that suggestion quite acceptable.’ 

Emma’s smile burst into a grin, she rushed forward to kiss Regina only to be met with a fiery fingertip an inch away from her nose. 

‘Mark my words Miss Swan, if we do not end up going on this lovely sounding picnic date, I will never ever consider dating you ever again.’ 

‘Message received, loud and clear, Regina,’ replied Emma, giving her a mock salute. 

Regina stepped forward and smiled softly, kissing Emma’s cheek softly, ‘Good girl.’ 

‘You won’t be calling me that after we have a less wholesome date,’ said Emma, waggling her eyebrows. 

‘Let’s see if we can get past the first date, and go from there, shall we?’ replied Regina, raising a brow.

Emma’s face took on a more serious expression, ‘Regina Mills, I promise I will do my best to give you the best first date possible so that you won’t have even an ounce of regret to agreeing to going out with me.’ 

Regina smiled at her, fully and warmly this time, ‘I look forward to our date Emma.’ 

‘I’m glad to hear it.’ 

‘Oh! And I am sorry I’ve been cursing you asleep,’ said Regina, actually blushing. ‘It was quite an overreaction.’ 

‘Oh man! If we admit it was you all along the Henry and my parents will never let me hear the end of it! Let’s pretend it never happened!’ exclaimed Emma. 

‘Whatever you say, dear,’ replied Regina, pulling Emma forward for an apologetic kiss. 

 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be pure crack to be begin with, then it morphed into some sort of weird angst fluff.


End file.
